6 rules to make your friends with benefits relationship work

We all know that friends-with-benefits relationships can be a mess and somewhat complicated. Sure, having someone to do the nasty with no strings attached might sound like the sex equivalent of winning the lottery. That’s until you bring up mismatched expectations, secrecy, jealousy, unspoken motives, and other difficulties that may take place, just like in any other kind of human relationship.

Are friends with benefits a good idea?

The fact that it’s something unarguably challenging doesn’t mean that it’s not worth the try. Some people have a hard time separating emotional intimacy from sexual intimacy while others thrive in these casual relationships. Having a friend with benefits isn’t just for everyone. So if you want to pursue one, there are a few ground rules you should know before becoming too involved and getting tied up in emotions.

How to make friends with benefits work

Define “friend” and “benefit”

Friends with benefits means different things for different people. The first step is clearly defining what it means for you, and then see if it aligns with your partner’s definition. Be upfront about what you’re both looking for and openly discuss what you expect: maybe you’re ok with hanging out but sleepovers don’t work for you, or viceversa. Just speak up early on about all those things.

Set clear boundaries

Setting boundaries is as important as setting up expectations at the beginning. You should discuss how you will navigate the relationship in public, what are your non-negotiables, etc. Don’t be afraid to go into detail about the dynamic of the relationship. Be sure to honor and don’t overstep each other’s boundaries.

Don’t become FWB with someone you want something more with

Repeat with me: I should not go into a FWB relationship with someone I have feelings for or want a committed relationship with.

I’m serious, this is one of the most common mistakes for starters. If you become FWB with your crush in hopes that they will catch feelings for you, you’re doing it all wrong. For a lot of people it’s normal to separate feelings and sex, and that’s what you sign up for as a FWB. Plus, if you already have feelings for the person, sleeping with them will only make them stronger. Bottom line: you’d be sentencing your own heart to a heart break.

Go for someone you’re not romantically attracted to so that things can be and stay casual.

Be transparent about your sex life

Friends with benefits don’t usually practice exclusivity, so you might both be seeing and sleeping with other people. Whether you want to disclose who you’re sleeping with, it’s up to you (and something you should also discuss), but the point is to have safe sex. Sit down with your FWB and talk about how you plan to practice safe sex with each other and other people.

Don’t act like a couple

Doing couple-y things with your FWB is the best way to start catching feelings for them, so it’s a big no-no. Remember that it’s all about being emotional-ties-free, so no holding hands, no public display of affection, and no acting like a couple in general. Of course you can spend time together other than in the bedroom, but try to always keep it friend-related – it’s all about emphasizing the FRIENDS in FWB.

Prioritize the friendship over the benefits

At the end of the day, you’re friends who have sex, and before that, you were also just friends, so that’s what should prevail. You should focus your efforts in keeping the friendship alive, so that even when the benefits part comes to an end (because it will), your friendship survives. And the best way to do this is prioritizing the friendship over the physical benefits, so besides having sex, try to also spend non-sexual time together just like friends would do.

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