7 interesting historical sex facts you probably didn’t know

There’s a side of history that is kinkier than what teachers ever taught you in school.

As long as humans have been on Earth, so have kinks, sex fetishes, and all the juicy details that come with it. Therefore, it shouldn’t come as a surprise to know that ancient people were seriously filthy. In fact, there are plenty of records to support that claim, and we’re about to spill the tea. So sit down and have a read to learn some interesting historical sex facts that your History teacher probably didn’t want you to know.

Dildos are at least 30,000 years old

From the Stone Age to Ancient Greece and of course present day, there has been one tool that almost every civilization has kept handy: the dildo.

Dildos are believed to date back 30,000 years ago, to the Stone Age. Archeologists have found several phallus-shaped objects from this period, and their incredibly detailed nature, life-size and smooth, polished construction (from antler bone, chalk and siltstone), have lead scholars to believe that these ancient penis-shaped items were used as dildos.

Mind you, the wheel was invented in Mesopotamia around 3500 to 4000 B.C., which means that mankind probably invented sex toys long before the wheel – priorities are priorities.

Fast forward to ancient Greece, we find the usage of olisbokollikes as one of the most notorious sexual practices of ancient Greeks. These were dildos entirely made out of bread –  just picture a modern day baguette, and you’ll get a clear idea of what a olisbokollike looked like. Images of bread dildos recorded in different sources attest to this, although it’s not clear whether they were used for everyday pleasure, or for ritualistic purposes. Let’s leave that up to each person’s interpretation.

While Greeks were busy baking extra bread, on the other side of the world (and a few centuries down the line), the extremely wealthy Han dynasty in China (206 B.C. - 220 A.D.) was burying their dead in incredibly elaborate tombs with an array of exquisite items to take with them to the afterlife, among which ancient sex toys were found.

Similarly to ancient Egyptians, the Hans believed that their spirits would live on inside these tombs once they passed away. The Han royalty expected to keep the same living standard after death, so that meant taking their personal and most important possessions with them to the grave, including their bronze dildos.

The first cock rings were made from goat eyelids in China about 800 years ago

Once upon a time, in 1200 A.C., there was a Chinese man who thought it was a good idea to put his dick through a goat’s eyelid for increased stamina and a longer boner. That man was as smart as he was horny, because it worked; the goat’s eyelid was able to keep his erection long enough to satisfy his wife. And this is the feasible tale of how the first cock ring ever was born.

PS: It’s also worth-mentioning that the earliest cock rings had the eyelashes of the goat left intact to add extra stimulation to the parties involved.

Egyptian women were using a mixture of honey, fruits and dates as a DIY spermicide

The Ebers Papyrus from 1550 B.C. and the Kahun Papyrus from 1850 B.C. both contain documented descriptions of the earliest forms of birth control used by Egyptian women at the time. They were mixing acacia fruit, honey and grounded dates to form a paste that they would then apply to a cotton. The cotton would be inserted into the vagina and act as a sort of contraceptive tampon.

The spermicidal effect of it can be explained by the active ingredient of the acacia, which would ferment into lactic acid, a well-known spermicide.

Medieval women used leeches to cheat on virginity tests

It’s well-known that during the Middle Ages, a woman’s virginity was highly regarded, almost like a prize. Ladies were expected to not have sex until marriage, and the wedding night was a kind of test to see if they remained chaste. As it was believed at the time, if a lady was a virgin, then she should bleed during her first sex, and this was the sign of virginity husbands were looking for in the wedding night.

However, women had access to medieval texts that gave advice on how to cheat on the test and fake virginity. One book stated: “one day before the wedding, put a leech cautiously on the labia. Blood will flow out, and a little crust will be formed in that spot. The day after, while having intercourse, the false virgin will bleed and thus deceive the man”.

Impotence trials where men had to jerk off in front of a court were a thing in medieval France

Performance anxiety would take on a whole new meaning if you were a man living in medieval France, and your wife accused you of “injurious non-consummation”.

One of the only reasons why the Church would allow a marriage to be annulled, was a husband’s inability to perform. Therefore, disgruntled wives who could afford the legal costs, would often charge their husbands with erectile dysfunction before ecclesiastical courts.

And that’s how the dreaded impotence trials became a thing in the 16th and 17th centuries in France. The defendant husbands were then obliged to prove their virility in court in front of a jury. They would have to make themselves ejaculate and potentially have sex with their wives as well. Live porn at its finest.

Napoleon might have had a thing or two for body odor

Imagine receiving a text message from your partner asking you to avoid showering until they come back from their business trip. That’s exactly what happened to Josephine, Napoleon’s wife, long before the advent of mobile phones.

Legend has it that Napoleon Bonaparte sent a letter to his wife that read “Home in eight days. Don’t wash”. Kinky to say the least.

Even though we cannot confirm the veracity of this story, it’s not too hard to believe, given the context of the time. In medieval ages and up to the late 18th century, personal hygiene was seen very differently than now. There was a medieval culture of not bathing and the attraction to body odor was fairly common in this era. It is even said that Queen Elizabeth I of England bathed only once per moth. How pleasant it must have been in the royal palace in peak summer months.

Victorian doctors used to masturbate their patients during consultations

During the Victorian period (1837 A.C. - 1901 A.C.), whenever a woman would show signs of anxiety, nervousness or irritability (all typical symptoms of living in a restrictive patriarchal society with little to no rights, I would say), it was cataloged as women’s “hysteria”. This was seen as a very serious problem by society at the time, so women suffering from this “condition” had to seek medical help.

However, doctors discovered an effective treatment that could temporarily relieve those symptoms: the pelvic massage.

This massage entailed an external and internal part. During the external one, the doctor would push down on the patient’s pelvic area while combining it with ‘vibratory shaking’. Then, he would stretch out the patient’s spine, legs and arms – again, with ‘vibratory shaking’.

Once the good doctor was done with the external part of the massage, he could move on to the internal one, which involved a couple of fingers and some more ‘vibratory shaking’. In short, as you might have already concluded, it was really just some fancy fingering. That is what we would today call a massage with happy ending.

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