Do I Have To Tell My Wife that I Watch Cams?

A cam fan wrote to von Heidegger, saying he’d married young. He now uses cams as a way to explore without being unfaithful to his wife, who has a lower libido. Was it ethical to keep his cam habit secret from his wife?*

I can’t tell you what would be a good or bad move for you, but usually secrets have a way of coming out. That said, I think having some things for yourself is okay — that’s my personal philosophy — but that doesn’t mean that your partner is okay with it.

If it’s been established in your relationship that you are fully transparent and honest with each other and you’re keeping this from them, if they found out, they may think differently than what I think. It could be dangerous or detrimental to your relationship.

That being said, it sounds like your interest in camming is highlighting this desire that you have to have more exploration and to try new things. Is it an option to share that with your partner and to tell them that you’re interested in exploring new stuff?

Is it an opportunity for you two to explore new stuff together, or does it feel like something that you really need or want to do separately? I get that it’s really tough because you’ve been together since you were 21. It sounds like you were each other’s first sexual partners.

If the secret does come out, I can’t promise you that your partner is not going to be hurt about it. They might, but this may be an opportunity to tell them like, look, I’m noticing myself having these fantasies and these desires outside of our relationship and I wanted to talk to you about it.

If it’s getting to a place where you’ve really hit a wall and you can’t do more, it might be time to go see a sex therapist or a sex coach. That’s been really helpful for a lot of clients of mine. Just to get a little more in depth so you can navigate that.

But it sounds like telling her: Look, I know that you’re having low libido and this is happening for you, and if there’s anything I can do to support you in that, I’m here for you. And at the same time, you’re finding yourself being a little wandering-eyed.

In my own relationship, when that happened for me, I said something like, “Look, I have these desires that are outside of what we’ve agreed to and what I’m interested in. And I know that it’s something that I really need to be able to explore.”

Do you think that’s something that you’d be open to have a conversation about?

*Transcription edited and condensed for space and clarity. For full answer, watch the full video

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