How Do I Talk with My Partner About Fisting? - Nicoletta von Heidegger

During her session on Stripchat, von Heidegger was asked many questions about how to communicate with a partner about fantasies. In this clip, she talks with a cam user who is interested in fisting, but doesn’t know how to bring it up with future partners. They ask: “How do I bring that up to someone in a way that doesn’t scare them?”*

If you don’t currently have a partner, first ask yourself: Are you okay with doing fisting exploration with somebody that you don’t know that well, like somebody on a website? Or somebody on a dating app? Are you okay with meeting somebody like that?

I get that it makes you nervous, but I wonder what is it about that that makes you nervous? Are you worried that they’re going to say no? And in that case, I personally wouldn’t want to get fisted by someone or fist somebody who isn’t interested in that. So, I wouldn’t want to do that with somebody who doesn’t want to receive it…

If you’re not with somebody who’s down to do that with you, I don’t think it’s going to go very well, because fisting requires a lot of patience and a lot of training and lubrication and communication. And so, if somebody is not into that, I wouldn’t want to be with them — if fisting is something that you really want to try. If you’re really nervous about bringing it up to someone that you don’t know is into it, it might be cool to go on some kind of dating site or thing like FetLife or an app like Feeld — and you can put fisting as one of your interests and find other people who are interested in that already, so that you already know that they are going to reciprocate that desire and that fantasy for you.

But if it’s somebody that hasn’t done that, I might say something like, “Hey, I care about you so much and I’ve been having so much fun with what we’ve been doing and it makes me feel so great that I can tell you all these things and open up to you and be vulnerable with you. I think that’s super sexy. It really turns me on. And you know, I’ve been having this fantasy of fisting. And, I don’t know if you know anything about it, but what are your first reactions to when I talk about fisting? I would love for us to be able to have a dialogue about this.”

That’s how I would get it started.

So, before I was talking about the fear of rejection … some people might never say it because they’re too afraid to maybe lose the person. I’ll use the fisting as an example. If it’s something that you really want to do and try, ask yourself, are you more afraid of getting rejected or are you more afraid of living a life that’s maybe not authentic to you, where you will never get to try fisting somebody? I personally would rather take the risk and try to find someone who’s into that. If it was something that I really, really wanted to try and if it was someone that really wasn’t open to that, I might have to question, like, is this the right person for me? Is this the person that I want to be dating, if something like fisting feels really exciting and important to me?

I also think it’s important that sometimes fantasies are just fantasies and they look different in terms of actual behavior that happens. And so, if you have this fantasy and maybe you’ve watched fisting in videos and you’re like, “That looks amazing. That looks so fun. I can’t wait to do this.” It’s probably not going to look exactly like that, especially when you first try it. And so, be a little bit patient with yourself and know that maybe the fantasy won’t actually be what you want it to be in reality, and that’s okay. It may just remain a fantasy. But if it is something that you want to act on, then I think it’s time to practice how you might say that to somebody.

*Transcription edited and condensed for space and clarity. For full answer, watch the full video

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