Understanding polyamory: everything you need to know about polyamorous relationships

Psychology Jun 4, 2021

We’ve pictured romantic relationships as two people committed to each other for so long that we show reluctance when concepts like polygamy and polyamory appear. But it’s 2021, love is dimensionless, and different types of romantic relationships are gaining ground. So why limit yourself to just one person at a time when there’s a whole ocean full of other wonderful fish? At least, this is what a polyamorous person would think.

But let’s start with the basics.

What’s polyamory?

This is probably the most challenging question to answer, and to do so, first, we need to debunk the most common misconception about polyamory: it’s not just about sex.

Many people mistake polyamorous relationships for open ones. However, there’s a committed couple at the center who pursues stringless sexual relationships with other people in an open relationship. In contrast, in a polyamorous relationship, there doesn’t necessarily have to be a primary partnership. It’s also not the same as swinging, usually involving a couple having casual sex outside of the relationship, without any emotional ties.

Polyamory is the practice of having multiple intimate relationships, whether sexual, romantic or both, with the full consent of all parties involved. In a polyamorous relationship of three people, for example, everyone could be in a romantic relationship with one another and love equally.

Polyamory is not cheating

Another common misconception is that polyamory is a “legal” way of cheating. As mentioned above, there’s the consent of all parties involved, which already rules it out as a cheating pathway. In fact, most people don’t realize that, just like in any other type of relationship, it is perfectly possible to cheat or be cheated on in a polyamorous relationship.

At its core, cheating is trampling on the trust and boundaries you have with your partner for your own sexual gain. Being poly doesn’t mean that you don’t have boundaries. Each polyamorous dynamic is different, but in general, poly people do follow a moral code that they agree on within their relationship.

So then, can polyamory work?

It depends. Suppose your definition of a relationship that works is one where two people get married and have emotional and sexual exclusivity until they die. In that case, no, polyamory does not work.

But suppose monogamy doesn’t make you happy (rather makes you feel trapped), and you can develop romantic feelings and love more than one person at the same time, then yes. In that case, polyamory could work wonders for you. Nonetheless, it might be challenging. Keeping a single relationship alive is already hard enough; imagine two or three… at once!

It takes supreme trust, mutual reliance, commitment, great communication, and willingness to work through conflict to make a polyamory union work. But if you can work that out, you will make it through any challenge!