What If My Fantasy Makes My Partner Feel Inadequate?

Do you worry that your fantasy makes your partner feel inadequate? Our partners might worry about why we love cams, or why we watch adult entertainment in general. In this clip, von Heidegger talks about how to talk about fantasies with your partner, even if they can’t fulfil them.*

I think it can be really scary to tell somebody that you want something different and that can lead to a difficult conversation — but that doesn’t mean that it’s not worth saying. If you’re dating someone who has maybe self-conscious issues or they think that maybe they’re not good enough, that’s tough — because that’s about their shit. That’s something that maybe they need to work on.

Let’s say for example, you’re a person with a penis and you’re having sex with somebody and for whatever reason, you’re not able to come. Whether you’re stressed or maybe the sex isn’t what you want it to to be, or your body’s just not cooperating, and then the other person makes it about them. They say, “Well, do you not care about me? Do you not think I’m sexy? Do you not think I’m attractive?” And that puts a lot of pressure on you to have to resolve that. I think it’s important to maybe hold space for that worry and to be able to support them in that. But at the same time I think it’s probably not about you at all.

I also think when you’re saying something that you want, it’s really, really important to try to say it as a compliment. I might say something like, “Hey, I really love connecting with you and all the sex that we’re having, and I really enjoy being with you and I feel so comfortable with you that I can tell you about this thing that I like. I really hope that you are open to hearing about it because that would really make me feel even more comfortable and even more excited in our relationship.” Something like that. And then seeing what their response is.

*Transcription edited and condensed for space and clarity. For full answer, watch the full video

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