Why is it so difficult for some people to discuss sex?

Psychology Aug 11, 2021

Sex is something that’s in our everyday life, yet it’s a touchy topic that a lot of people find extremely difficult to talk about, especially when it comes to discussing it with their partners.

But why is it so hard to talk about our desires?

It’s hard because by exposing your sexual fantasies and desires, you go literally nude. Taking off your clothes in front of others is easy, people do it all the time; but undressing your soul is a more difficult task. Opening up about sex requires sharing very personal and private aspects of yourself, and that can be uncomfortable.

The lack of a proper sexual education at home or at school doesn’t help help either. Instead, it turns friends and porn into the primary educators for most of us. And while adult content is awesome and fun to watch, it doesn’t really teach us how to have a healthy conversation about sex: consent, how to negotiate our needs, how to enjoy the act, etc. So we grow up with sex being kind of a taboo, and the result is the inadequacy to discuss our wishes and desires with our partners later in life.

But interestingly enough, our fear of talking about sex has an evolutionary explanation as well. There’s an idea of “loss aversion” developed by Daniel Kahneman and highlighted in his book Thinking fast and slow, which argues that we prefer avoiding losses to acquiring equivalent gains. Although this is mostly discussed in financial settings, it can be also applied to other fields.

As Kahneman puts it, “When compared, losses loom larger than gains. We might want to make $50, but the pleasure of making that amount would not make up for the pain of losing it. This imbalance has an evolutionary history. Organisms that treat threats as more urgent than opportunities have better chances of surviving and thus reproducing”.

So when talking about sex, the same logic applies. Yes, the reward of disclosing what we’d like to do in bed to our partner, for example, can be amazing. But in our head, it might not be worth the loss in case the outcome is not positive: rejection, hurting our partner, shame, criticism, etc.

And it’s not me saying this, it’s a couple of million years of evolution.

However, science has also long known that being more open about our intimate needs leads to a positive effect on sexuality and satisfaction in the relationship. Communication is everything. Therefore, it’s good to identify where our fear is coming from, to then be able to tackle it.

Try to find the right moment to raise your sexual matters with your partner. Sometimes though, you may not have a choice about the timing, like when your partner starts intimacy. In these cases the best thing you can do is use non verbal communication. Move a hand, slow down or speed up a movement, and so on.

Just remember that your partner cannot always read your mind, and you shouldn’t expect them to intuitively know what you want if you don’t voice it. Be upfront about your intimate needs and desires, and watch the bond between you two strengthen.