Why some people are turned on by choking during sex? The psychology behind breath play

Choking someone is usually considered an abhorrent act, but if it takes place in the bedroom in a sexual setting, then it’s one of the most common activities couples do to elicit sexual arousal. In fact, chances are you had someone ask you to choke them during sex. Maybe you even saw it in a porn scene. Or maybe you were the one asking to be choked.

But let’s first of all call things by their name; this phenomenon we’re talking about is breath play, and consists of the consensual deprivation of the airflow of a partner for just a brief period of time. If this is done solo, it’s known as autoerotic asphyxiation.

Even though it might sound intense to some, for others, it’s an exhilarating experience. But make no mistake here: breath play is still a risky activity. So if it’s on your sexual bucket list, you must proceed with caution. Unlike other light forms of kinky play such as spanking or bondage, this one is capital “D” Dangerous.

Now, why despite the danger (and even risk of death), there are so many people into choking during sex?

The psychology behind the appeal of breath play

The University of North Dakota conducted a study that looked into the inner dynamics and practice of erotic asphyxiation. The findings included several motivations like the feeling of power to be erotic, an increased level of trust with partner, curiosity, pleasure in the risk, and heightened feeling of pleasure during climax.

This comes to show that being physically choked doesn’t necessarily bring pleasure, but instead, opens up an array of possibilities for different role-play scenarios, and that’s what people find arousing. Choking features the receiving and giving of control. You’re basically giving someone permission choke you (or vice versa), which equates taking on submissive and dominant roles in bed. That alone can be a huge turn-on.

Trust building is also an important factor in why people decide to engage in this kind of activity.

From a more physiological standpoint, we also know that endorphins are released when the airflow is finally resumed. That endorphin release along with the rush of hormones that takes place during sexual intercourse, makes for a feeling that some individuals enjoy and desire to experience.

How to safely incorporate breath play into your sex life?

Know what you’re doing

You run the risk of gravely hurting someone if you don't know what you're doing. The best method to learn how to choke someone is through workshops, the right instruction, and practice.

You must also learn about the structure of the neck and read up on it. Figure out the best way to touch the neck of your partner and find the pressure that works for them. Start by gently pressing on either side of the esophagus. Keep in mind that if you press too hard on the front part of their neck, you can make them cough. This is uncomfortable, not seductive, and extremely risky.

Pay attention to how your partner reacts

Don't get too caught up in the moment, as doing so could lead to permanent brain damage or even death. Remember to always be alert and pay close attention to how your partner responds to the stimulus. A good measuring stick to know if you’re doing it right, is talking to your partner; if they’re able to answer, all good. If they’re not, you should stop what you’re doing. Never suffocate someone to the extent of being unable to speak.

Set up boundaries

Both parties must establish boundaries and make clear what they are and are not comfortable with before any choking can occur. You might be seeking for "hands only" play, in which your partner merely chokes you with their hands, or you might prefer using a collar. Whatever your interests, a conversation is required. Discuss the timing, severity, and general goals of the choke. Does your partner want to be choked closer to the climax or during penetration? Those are things to consider.

Have a safe word

A safe word should be decided upon ahead in any BDSM activity. It should be an accepted, typically non-sexual word used to signal when one's partner is uneasy and requests that the play end.

Although you should always allow your partner to communicate vocally while they are being choked, you should also have a "safety action" in place in case they are unable to do so. A typical safety maneuver while someone is choking is to quickly shake your head "no" to signal that the choking needs to stop right away. Another approach to let your partner know that the choking needs to stop is to repeatedly tap them (like one does when one is wrestling).

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